THE 10 BONA FIDE COMMANDMENTS FOR THE CHEATING ATHLETE

THE 10 BONA FIDE COMMANDMENTS FOR THE CHEATING ATHLETE:

I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.

As an athlete I can definitely understand why you would want to get married. You want to have some kids (not out of wedlock). You want someone you can confide in. You want someone you can be yourself around. You want someone who loves you for who you are and not what you are. Plus on top of that, it doesn't hurt to have a nice wholesome image for potential advertisers. As they say, getting married helps the "Q" rating.

But whomever you decide to marry, you better be sure she can handle the fact you are going to have many "side" women. Also, she better be able to handle the fact that women all over the country will be coming at you 24/7 365 days a year. Some women have the fantasy that if they marry an athlete he will be faithful. That is a recipe for disaster. So you may have to sit your lady down and explain to her that she is the main girl. Is that enough to make her happy? If not, you're going to have a lot of issues.

II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.

In the immortal of Kanye West: "WE WANT PRENUP".

This should be the simplest rule of all. You make millions of dollars while she works part time of at Payless. That doesn't add up to 50/50. Even if you're following these commandments, there is still a good shot that your wife will leave you (see: Michael Jordan). So you need to protect yourself legally. If she doesn't want to sign the prenup, that should be your first clue that she might not be the one you want to marry. Be fair in the prenup. Offer enough money for her to be comfortable and more importantly to keep her mouth shut after the divorce.

III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.

I like to call this the Shaq rule. Shaq follows the cheating code to a tee. However, the one part that has cost him is, when he found out his wife was cheating on him, he flipped out and filed for divorce not realizing that all the dirt he has done would come to light.

If you are going to have different women in all 50 states and be gone half the time don't be naïve enough to think your wife won't sleep with the pool boy, after sitting at home alone in a huge house taking care of a couple of kids and not getting any sex. Don't be naïve and think your wife won't go to a club and sleep with a random guy who looks like Usher and maybe do it in the club. Don't be naïve if a "George" is whispering sweet nothings in your wife's ear, talking about how she deserves better and ends up playing "Bed Gammon" with her. She doesn't want a divorce, but she does want attention so don't overreact when it happens if you want to keep the majority of your savings account.

IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.

Simply put, who would you rather have deciding where your funds go: you or a judge? Much better to pay now than later. So if your wife sees you on TMZ.com with four strippers in a hot tube popping bottles it is better to just give her the American Express card than to have her visit the lawyer's office the next day. Take the hit and move on.

V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

I like to call these the "Kobe Bryant and Superhead Rules." Something about Colorado and girls named Katie just seems like a recipe for disaster. Actually, you should stay away from Colorado, Utah, Montana, North & South Dakota, West Virginia and any other place that has more mountains than Wal-Mart's. You should also stay clear of females named Katie, Nancy, Brit, Molly or any other name that sounds like they could have been an extra in Beverly Hills 90210.

Any woman that tells you that "writing" is her hobby should immediately be dismissed from your potential cheating list. The list thing you need is a scorned lover deciding the way she is going to pay off her student loans is by writing a tell-all book about how you like to dress up in a in a Batman costume before having sex.