Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil

Most of the time it happens during dinner, while the game is on, or worst right when you get into bed with your lover. They’ll look you in your eyes with the glance you’ve grown to dread. You know that serious look that reeks of “I’m not going to like what’s about to be said.” I’ve created a list of things you don’t want to hear from the person you’re with.


We Need To Talk - Needing to talk can never be a good thing, it only means that your lover is about to tell you something terrible, because you “talk” all the time. Needing to talk usually involves you doing something wrong or them coming to some sort of conclusion that will fundamentally change your relationship.

Your Friend Is Cute - Ladies, if your man says this to you it probably means you should never leave him alone with her. Never!!!

He’s Just A Friend/Ex - Now there is nothing wrong with chatting with an ex, but let’s be real. Isn’t a friend just another name for a backup plan in case your boo messes up? It’s that friend whose shoulder will be the perfect limb to lean on in case of a heartbreak, f*ck up, or whenever a self-esteem boost is required.

I Think I’m Getting Sick - Taking care of a sick lover is an essential part of all relationships. Making soup, placing a blanket over your mate, or spooning medicine into their mouth is all a requirement of a serious relationship. However, this also means that you’ll be sick within a week and forced to nurse your self back to health.

Who Is That? - Why do people always ask this at the wrong possible time. I have a nosey friend who always ask me this question. I never answer it, because 1. I refuse to have to answer that question again from the person I’m with, inquiring who is questioning me. 2. I’m a grown arsh man, what I look like having to answer to someone I’m not sleeping with. SMCH!

I’ve Been Thinking - Oh boy!! Whenever I hear this I immediately turn into Pinky from the cartoon Pinky & The Brain and reply with, I think so Brain, but I didn’t think your legs could bend over your head.

The Condom Popped - Not only does she not want to hear it, he also doesn’t want to say it. I’m sure this has happened to most of us and it might be the most dreaded thing to hear if it wasn’t for…

I’m Late - The above statement is usually followed by this one. It’s a recession and no one wants to have a baby right now. Well maybe a few people but having a baby is a life changing event and 2 small words can dramatically change your life.

Is That You? - Ladies, if a man says that to you, it probably means you’re not as fresh as a summer’s eve. Fix it.